The Bright Side to Teletoon at Night

Teletoon's after dark lineup has been pretty dope since they cutdown Teletoon at Night's runtime (Mon-Thurs, 10pm-12) and started airing more superhero and comic book-inspired fare after dark. Sure, it's not as good as the Detour days, but that's why Corus Entertainment has been flexing their muscles with their version of Adult Swim, which shares channel space with the far more mature Cartoon Network. After all, as we've already established, Corus has no intention of making Teletoon anything more than a network for kids shows and tween fare.

You gotta see this from a business perspective, or at least a business-minded person who knows what the hell their doing most of the time. Ask yourself, in an age were people only subscribe to the channels they want to watch, what money can be made from having two channels airing the same shows? Ultimately, you're going to pick one or the other to save money. Realizing this and seeing the opportunity to experiment, play, and ultimately refresh two late-night blocks in need of a shakeup, is the most logical reason for some wise moves (and not so wise moves) by Corus in the past winter.

That being said, you'll be glad to hear that Corus has thankfully decided not to leave Teletoon at Night high and dry in favor of Adult Swim. For starters, TaN FINALLY ditched the random live-action movies. Between the likes of Action (thanks to Shaw Media), and youth stations like YTV, there is now ZERO reason for Teletoon to air unrelated live-action programming.

More good news: Archer; Teletoon at Night's flagship show and one of the few reasons for millennials to even bother sticking around, is back where it belongs. As is Bob's Burgers, which only aired for about THREE months before it was shunted off to Adult Swim; a dick move if I ever saw one. TaN even returned the favor done by Adult Swim by taking Axe Cop (at least until Archer returned) and freshman series Night Sweats. Not bad for a two hour block, but I guess it helps that Adult Swim proper (in the U.S) is more into live-action comedies than adult animation these days.

One last thing to bring up is Bento Box, the studio behind Bob's Burgers, who are developing some new shows for Teletoon at Night. The one thing EVERY cable channel needs in this age is original programming that, at the very least, brings in ratings. With Teletoon's french originals and Fugget About It airing on Adult Swim, Teletoon at Night will need some creative shows of its own if its going keep those eyeballs glued.

In the future, I don't see Teletoon at Night becoming a standalone brand like Adult Swim, but more of an adult equivalent to The Zone on YTV, and that's fine with me. As long as they stick to what they do best, and restrain themselves from playing fast-and-loose with their programming, I think the block will do just fine as is.

...Of course, I won't object to Teletoon at Night airing FLCL.

Corus Line (P.S Sue me.)

Just from watching Teletoon alone in the past months, I can tell Corus Entertainment is ill-prepared for handling the responsibility that comes with managing the dozen of channels owned by Shaw Media.

For starters, Teletoon's on-air presentation has been on kindergartner levels of sloppy, from misinforming promos to idents and graphic bugs that look more like a student project uploaded to Vimeo then professional work. How can it be professional when its taking up one-third of the screen? They couldn't even time it so it avoids blocking an episode's title.

Then there's the old "day-and-date dilemma" which, in this age, is getting very old indeed. It's fine when certain premieres air weeks after broadcast in the States, I know every show can't air soon enough in Canada. Nonetheless, I find it very half-assed that Teletoon hasn't premiered the new Marvel Universe seasons from Disney XD, yet Disney XD Canada is airing debuts day-and-date with the American version.

This isn't like the scenario with Adult Swim, where other broadcasters have rights to their shows or Corus just didn't bother going the same extra mile they did with Cartoon Network. They have the rights to the Marvel Universe lineup from Disney XD and have aired Guardians of the Galaxy day-and-date on Disney XD Canada. Are you seriously telling me that Teletoon couldn't have at least aired the season premiere of Ultimate Spider-Man within the same week on Superfan Friday? There's no excuse.

With Teletoon dropping the ball lately, you can imagine my skepticism in knowing that soon Corus will have the chance to let the likes of Showcase and History Canada fall into disrepair. The introduction of pick-and-pay was supposed to increase competition for the attention of viewers and subscribers, but instead broadcasters like Corus Entertainment are trying to find new ways to make more money from doing less work. The last thing TV lovers want is another bloated broadcaster that owns too many cable channels than they know what to do with.

The last thing we need is another Bell Media.

Adult Animation: Western and Eastern

If you're like me, you grew up on YTV's Bionix block and the shows that came before it. In those days, I thought Japanese animation was not all that different from the "adult" cartoons I'd watch on The Detour on Teletoon, aside from them having longer intros, being more dramatic, and leaning on the censors a little. When those shows disappeared from YTV, it left a void. A void that no FOX sitcom or Adult Swim original could fill. Except for (maybe) The Venture Bros, but between Corus being Corus and Adult Swim's irregular production pipeline, I didn't even know the show was still going until now.

Now don't get me wrong, I fucking love Family Guy, but I love the Boondocks more. The Boondocks uses satire to challenge its viewers to see things in a different light, while throwing in homages to the obscure and the occasional kung-fu fight for kicks. Compare that to South Park which, while having the balls to criticize literally everything and everyone, is mostly seen as the poster boy for what western adult animation looks like: offensive & vulgar shit for little boys who stayed up too late. Yes, I loved Panty & Stocking. Why do you ask?

Now I'm not saying every animated series should be more like Japanese anime, nor should they follow in the Boondocks footsteps. That's like saying every kid cartoon should be like Young Justice. As much as it would be nice to have more mature animation on TV, they don't all need to be dark and edgy. That kind of thinking is what was responsible for Loonatics Unleashed, and judging by what I heard from my time on TV Tropes, that's the last thing the world needs. Yes, I did like Loonatics Unleashed. Wanna fight about it?

Once upon a Summer, before Cosmic Panda, I discovered that several licensors, like Funimation and Bandai Entertainment, had uploaded their titles onto YouTube. I wouldn't exactly call it "joy" I felt, but rewatching shows like Fullmetal Alchemist and discovering new shit like Code Geass, Darker Than Black, and When They Cry (which I blame personally for fucking with my mind. Seriously, now every girl I see looks like a psycho to me.) was a very enjoyable experience. I also stumbled upon Crunchyroll, which had a library of shows I've never seen before. I didn't watch that many of their titles, since I'm more of a dub fan, but they did not disappoint. Yes, I do perfer dubs. Got a problem with that?

I'm not an anime fan, I'm a fan of animation that I would have loved to see as a kid as much as I do now as target for pedophiles. So much so, that I find myself watching Teletoon in vain for something like Endangered Species (or really, ANYTHING by Nerd Corps) or Totally Spies (barring the shark-jumping fifth season). Outside of Teletoon at Night, which has seen better days since Adult Swim Canada stole its thunder, there really isn't anything here for someone like me anymore. Yes, I like watching Totally Spies, and Rule 34 says so do you.

Luckily, in addition to the aforementioned [as] (and Cartoon Network), Corus' new Disney XD channel is an authentic recreation of the channel stateside, which has shifted away from cookie-cutter sitcoms in favor more animated series. They even premiere new episodes day-and-date with the American version! The only downside is that, aside from Guardians of the Galaxy, the rest of Marvel Universe still airs on Teletoon and, for whatever reason, lags behind the American premieres. Classic Corus.

But that's why we have streaming services. If you're into animation like I am, Netflix, Crunchyroll, and FunimationNow are a must. Between new simulcasts and Netflix originals, like the excellent Bojack Horseman, you're all set for life. However, I should mention that Shomi is the only place to watch Bob's Burgers and some Canadian staples like Bromwell High that you REALLY should check out.

Here's to living life in 2D.

Fave Five: Canadian Sports Broadcast Theme Music

Not every piece of production music can be as iconic as the Fox football theme, but sometimes Canada comes through.

1) Canadian Gold - Hockey Night in Canada [https://youtu.be/jJizRX1Vjpk]
Chosen by viewers as the replacement for the iconic "Hockey Theme" that was stolen away by TSN, Canadian Gold captures the old-timely and distinctive Canadian atmosphere that makes Hockey Canada's favorite past-time. ...Or at least it did until Rogers took over the broadcast and remixed it into something unrecognizable, a perfect anagram for Hockey Night in general these days. But hey, at least it's better than Sportnet's actual hockey theme.

2) The CTV Basketball theme [http://www.majomamusic.com/]
No other theme in this country captured the drama on the court than CTV's basketball theme, and no other theme did. Sadly, TSN only sporadically uses this theme, like in promos for non-Raptors coverage. One might ask, why not use this theme more often?

3) The TSN Raptors theme [https://youtu.be/TdT-eJ397jg]
...Because the music used for TSN's coverage of the Toronto Raptors is just as awesome. For as long as I can remember, Basketball has been entrenched in rap culture, and TSN current theme is perfect mix of the two. It's not obnoxiously loud and overly dramatic like the others themes I've heard. Instead, it's laid back yet edgy and very easy on the ears.

4) The TSN Baseball theme [https://youtu.be/udERti1nJK8]
The hot summer sun glows and tensions are high as the long contest on the field rolls on. That's the moment encompassed by TSN's Blue Jays theme, which might as well be the theme to Canadian baseball in general. If you miss hearing this theme, you can once again blame Rogers. But at least they have a good excuse.

5) The Sportsnet Baseball theme, Fueled by Fans [https://youtu.be/FEukFeEoCT4]
Aside from the above mentioned Canadian Gold remix, Sportnet's baseball theme introduced after the rebrand is hands down the best theme music you will hear watching the network. One second it's smooth and peaceful, like the green grass and outdoor field the game is played, next thing you know it gets dramatic, like when the batter is about to hit it out of the park or trying to make it to home plate. Stephan Moccio's name gets thrown around a lot because of theme, and deservedly so.

Because I haven't posted anything in a while.

I don't hate what MuchMusic is doing, I hate the fact the once proud music station is playing second fiddle to American imports. Otherwise, I'd say "Much at Night" is nine times better than Teletoon at Night. I feel as though Much should be getting into the animation game. They already snatched the new season of American Dad from Adult Swim (Canada), who still lags behind the American version when it comes to airing new shit. I think it would be great if Much picked up the rest of FXX's Animation Domination lineup, because Lord knows the Canadian FXX won't be airing those shows anytime soon.If not Much, maybe Aux could dip their toes into some animation. Some alternative programming would help soften their image in ways Brickleberry never could.

I believe the secret to surviving a pick-and-pay world is to go in a different direction then the competition. That means less derivative dramas and reality shows, and more innovative original programming. Instead of cutting jobs, we should be shutting down channels that nobody cares about, otherwise, we need to give those worthless channels shows that people will care about and, unlike M3, make them exclusive to those channels. We need to stop recycling shit, because no is going to subscribe to multiple channels just to watch that one show. Even more so with Canadian shows, because rehashing the same shit (Just for Laughs Gags) is just lazy.

Super Commercial Bowl aka "Ad Night in Canada" aka "Why Canadian Broadcast Networks are Screwed"

I won't dig into this too much because, honestly, this is just stupid. I shouldn't have to talk about this. Last time I checked, people watched the Super Bowl for the flipping Super Bowl, not the ads! Since when did the most important part of the biggest event in sports become a sideshow to a bunch of stupid commercials? The Answer? Since someone decided to turn adverts into works of art and instant viral sensations. As much as I can appreciate someone trying to make my adblocker useless, I'm pretty damn sure that if a Super Bowl ad was a really that enjoyable, someone will have uploaded the damn thing before or after the football game! You know, the thing people actually watch the Super Bowl for?

At least we're being passionate about something that brings football fans and people who don't watch sports together. So much so that, next year, the CRTC will ban simsubbing of the big game! I assume this means if people want to watch the commercials, they can watch the american feed without the Canadian broadcaster blocking it. After all, it's the goddamn Super Bowl, divvying up the audience only hemorrhages the big bucks broadcasters will get. However, because Canadian broadcast networks are so reliant on American programming, the Super Bowl to them is almost like Hockey Night in Canada to CBC Television. It's their biggest source of income, their golden goose, their Empire before Empire even existed! Without it, they're fucked!

I don't care too much about local TV to see the big picture. Let's face it, people only watch Global and CTV for American programming. At least Citytv has some unique shows and originals going for it, unlike the cookie-cutting crap that pops up on the competition every now and then. Remember Remedy or Played? I sure don't! I mean, I never watched them, but they look way too similar to something on CBS for me to care. People wonder why, aside from the CBC, Canadian broadcast networks barely schedule any originals in primetime, not even against freshman shows. Short Answer: They all suck!

The Super Bowl situation might be the last straw for vertically integrated broadcast networks. At this point, you're better up hooking an antenna and watching American broadcast networks instead. You know, the ones actually producing all this shit? Seems as though everything in the U.S is neat, tidy, clean, and balanced when it comes to television. Even as streaming networks make their play for world domination, there's always some new lifestyle or entertainment network popping up to challenge our way of thinking (i.e. Fusion) or some veteran network looking to switch things up or give themselves a makeover (i.e Pop, Freeform). They're the reason why people want to pay only for the channels they want to watch, hense the term "cord-shavers".

But in Canada, we're too far gone. To clean up this broken mess of program rights, simsubbing, network decay, recycled crap, and a total lack of quality in original programming, we have to break the rules, destroy our foundations and start over from scratch. Again, I'd like to remind you: all this because someone wanted to watch a stupid commercial during a football game.

I'd hate to think what would have happened if it were the half-time show we're talking about.

The Chopping Block: Honorable Mentions

Having already covered the major broadcasters, now we get to the bottom of the barrel.

FXX Canada

This network should have never been created, not north of the border nor south, but at least the American version has carved out a hole for itself. FXX followed the template set by the likes of TNT and USA Network; people came for acquired fare, but stayed for originals like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. However, what REALLY drew in viewers was its blockbuster acquisition of The Simpsons and the legendary marathon that followed. Those who stuck around after that were rewarded with the likes of You're the Worst and the new Animation Domination block.

The Canadian version did not have the same success story. Before the American channel could even find its footing, Rogers launched its half-assed, medicore, domestic knockoff with barebone offerings on April 1, 2014. How's that for a joke? The handful of shows Rogers owned the rights to were constantly cycled around between FXX and FX Canada in a desperate attempt to find ratings; they even aired original shows meant for FX! And no, FXX doesn't air any of the ADHD shows. Rogers only has rights to new shows produced by Fox-owned studios that premiered after the launch of FX Canada. That means no Justified, no Archer, and thankfully, no Anger Management. As for movies, unlike Showcase, FXX Canada only had about twelve films, yet they aired them constantly to fill air time. 

FXX also had to rely on reruns of Murdoch Mysteries and other original fare to fulfill its CanCon quota. Rogers should be thankful they didn't completely ditch the show after it moved from Citytv to CBC Television, because neither Seed nor Package Deal ever made it past 26 episodes, meaning you'll be seeing the same shit over and over and over again. Even now the channel has to bury these shows in graveyard slots. 

Why couldn't all this shit air on FX Canada instead? Maybe its because of the weird scheduling pattern both networks uses, where the daytime lineup airs in blocks that repeat later in the day, but that would be giving Rogers too much credit. After all, this is the company that aired OLN shows and unrelated comedies on G4. Speaking of which...

G4 Canada

Even in its final years, the American version was a way better channel. From the beginning, G4 Canada blindly did whatever its southern counterpart did: from anime to shows that had nothing to do with video games or technology. On its death bed, the American version scaled back to archival fare, including the Marvel Anime series. But when the CRTC forced the Canadian network to go back to technology-themed programming, they brought in Rude Tube and some tangibly-related shows. Naturally, none of this translated well rating-wise. 

You'd think by now they would have pulled the plug on this channel, ending on a higher note than the American version did. But no, as of writing, they brought back the unrelated crap! I guess they figured since genre-protection was phasing out, no one would mind. What's the point? No one wants to watch this piece of shit anymore, so what difference would doing this shit make? This is honestly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen a network do. Sure, VH-1 might have stopped airing music videos, and Viacom's other networks might follow, but people stopped watching that shit a long time ago. 

No people, THIS is the worst. The absolute worst. 

Everything owned by Blue Ant Media.

You thought Shaw Media and Corus had a problem with recycled shit? Blue Ant Media's suite has become the epitome of some of cable's biggest problems. Recycled programming is everywhere, the prime culprits being Travel+Escape and Cottage Life. The main cause is that most of these networks overlap with each other and, surprise, Blue Ant doesn't have the budget to film that many shows for that many networks. So, if that's the case, then why bother having that many damn networks?! 

Makeful shouldn't even exist; it should have been the empty hole where BiteTV used to be. I'm not suggesting we shut down every network that doesn't rake in thousands of viewers, but as long as you're replacing an entertainment channel with yet ANOTHER damn lifestyle network, why not take the opportunity to review your portfolio and see what other networks need retooling? Ultimately, no one is going to subscribe to all of your networks. So why not make sure half of the programming on one network wasn't recycled from another network?

Really, the only Blue Ant network people actually give a crap about is Aux, by virtue of being the only music channel in Canada that actually gives a damn about music. Even that channel has been slipping; Aux has become the network where BiteTV's programming went. That's not too bad, there are other music networks internationally that air alternative programming. However, Bite was airing Party Down South and Brickleberry, the worst offerings in the reality and adult cartoon genre since Jersey Shore and Sit Down, Shut Up! Suddenly, CMT Canada and MuchMusic look a lot better.

Without a visible flagship brand to catch people's attention, and sister networks with distinctive formats to back it up, Blue Ant Media will be in a bad place by the end of the year.

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I'm all burned out. So many networks, so many damn problems. Let's Talk TV has either forced Canadian broadcasters to shape up and make some tough choices, or pushed them to be even lazier with their offerings. Sure, consumers will be the real winners, since they no longer have to pay for any of the crappy networks I mentioned if they don't want to. 

But with the networks they do want to subscribe to at risk thanks to lazy management, will it be worth it in the end?