Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Fave Five: How I Knew From The Start That Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Wasn't Going To Be Good

I'm not one to judge a book by it's cover but...I FUCKING CALLED IT!!! ...And here's how I made that call.

1) A Good Superman movie? WRONG!
As far as live-action films go, there hasn't been a good Superman flick since Superman II. Animated flicks, definitely, but either you tolerated Superman Returns or disliked Man of Steel. Either you enjoyed the epic "Clark v Superman" scene from Superman III or you hated all of Superman IV. Either you thought the first Superman movie was pretty good, or you thought the sequel was way better. Either way, live-action Superman movies are garbage, and BS wasn't going to change that.

Even the bad Batman movies (for lack of a better term describing ANY Batman-related film not named Batman & Robin) had more redeeming "qualities" than any S-emblazoned ripoff.

2) It was directed by Zack Snyder
I didn't watch Man of Steel, but I did watch Sucker Punch and I did not appreciate someone taking advantage of the sexist pig in me who only came to see a fun action girl romp but got his mind screwed instead. It wasn't a terrible movie, because at least I get the message it was trying to send, but I was not amused. I was not going to take my chances watching one of the biggest superhero movies in history knowing this guy was in the driver seat.

3) Big-budgeted action films are simply glorified pornography
The best part of watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon was the TOTALLY AWESOME set pieces in-between all the other crap I didn't care about. The same could be said of anyone trying to defend the American Resident Evil films (or really, any American video game adaption) or any other film in its genre. For all the explosive, heart-racing awesomeness movies like these deliver, they really stink up the place when they try to tell a good story. A task that really isn't that hard.

In fairness, at the end of the day, the human race was willing to sacrifice millions of dollars in theaters just to watch giant robots duke it out over some shit related to Apollo 11. They have no right to complain when the film surrounding said giant robots was too complex for its own good. That being said, if you were expecting a good story out of a film like BS, you are an idiot and you deserve to be broke.

However, the fact that Hollywood can still churn out films like these knowing how stupid people are, yet still make back the money needed for the sequel, just goes to show you how necessary it is to save your money and rent the DVD instead. Or just bootleg it; movies like these deserve to be pirated anyways.

4) They spoiled EVERYTHING in the trailers!
...Well, not exactly. They spoiled almost everything in the trailers. Still, who does that, and why do they think that's OK? Part of the fun of watching any movie is in the twists and turns and how everything plays out. As we've already pointed out, watching explosive, action set-pieces are the only reasons why people like me bothered to watch films like these. These set-pieces are given so much focus, that the plot is guaranteed to suck.

So when you spoiled the big brawl between the Dark Knight and the Man of Steel, and the appearance of Wonder Woman, then what do I REALLY have to look forward to before and after the bell rings? Because, at this point, an episode of Teen Titans Go is looking pretty good right about now.

5) Everything else DC made was better
When the crew tried to defend themselves, they pointed out that BS was "made for the fans". Really? Because, last time I checked, the real reason why they went forward with this was because DC Comics is trying to create their own "Cinematic Universe" to compete against Marvel's. You know who else tried doing that? Sony, with The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and look how that turned out. This follow the leader crap is going to be the death of the genre, or it could "dumb it down" to levels reserved for the live-action Alvin & the Chipmunks movies.

This is in sharp contrast to DC's far superior animated movies, which are straight adaptions of acclaimed stories or great original stories in their own right. The fact that they don't share the same setting and continuity only makes these films more greater in their own right. If DC's live-action films were more like their animated films, they wouldn't need to sweat what Marvel's doing. It's not like every Marvel film was the best film ever made either.

DC is already putting out so much product outside of theaters, and outside of comics, that it's hard to care about something that looks too similar to the grey, gritty crap I've already seen in other movies. When it comes down to it, I was more hyped for the fun and flashy Suicide Squad movie than BS. I was more hyped for the Supergirl/Flash crossover than BS. I was more hyped for Teen Titans vs Justice League than BS. I was more hyped for any DCTV show than BS. Yes, even an episode of Teen Titans Go, because at least that was made with the fans in mind (mostly).

When all is said in done, BvS was just going to be BS. Take it from a guy who watches nothing but action movies and shows. I can't talk too much crap about something I've never seen, but I have seen enough of this crap to know how this ends up.

...Up, and a-Way too soon for this shit.

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